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I embarrassingly cried over a grade last week... for an assignment that I wasn't even proud of.

Since high school, I have always had an unhealthy fixation with my grades. In hindsight, obviously grades do not define my intelligence or my skillset (or so I tell myself as I brace myself for the MyUni notification), but at the time of receiving one, it feels like what is merely a percentage holds weight. 

Typically, if I get a mark that I am happy with, I will feel proud of myself, like the work was worth it. But I had a weird situation last week where I got a grade back for an essay that I struggled with. I had difficulty engaging with the text, was not completely sure of myself as I was writing the argument, and perhaps it was destined for failure since I left it quite last minute (since I used the excuse of 'I've got two things due in one day'). All this to say that I was not super proud of this essay. It was fine but not my best work. So why did I get so upset when the grade came back and reflected my struggle with the essay? Sure, it was not the worst grade that I have ever gotten, and I was not close to failing, but it was much lower than I am used to. 

Talking about it with some of my friends, we discussed how high achievers often are so obsessed with striving for the top that we feel almost numb when we get a good grade. It's almost like a relief, that confirmation of I've still got it in me. So perhaps that why I was so upset, because when you so closely link your intelligence with a silly number, the slightest outlier will make you weep.

I am telling myself that this would not have been an issue if I had started it earlier, gotten help when I was confused, or gave myself more time to re-read the text. But I think it is more important that I tell myself that sometimes life gets in the way (assignments aren't everything!), and sometimes, topics are going to be so boring that you're not going to give it 100%. As I approach the end of my undergraduate studies, I fortunately don't have much longer to let myself dwell over a grade: I'm sure I won't remember this particular essay in a couple year times anyway!