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Please note in this blog, we will be talking about sexual harassment and sexual assault. Some of the material might be distressing. We encourage you to take breaks and take time to process the material.Ìý

If you need support, please call:
• 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732)
• Lifeline (13 11 14)
• In an emergency, please contact police on 000.
• Current UofA students can visit the Safer Campus website or reach out to the Counselling Service for support.

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The perks of being a young adult in this digital age is the prized experience of facing the shenanigans of online dating. I’ve never been much of a fanÌýbut admittedly have had experiences with Tinder dates (by experience I mean the typical two dates a year before I instantly delete my profile, swearing to never do online dating again…then revisiting it 6 months later). Can you relate?

I always ensure that I’ve gotten to know whoever I am meeting for a few days and have agreed to meet in a public space (usually coffee or dessert). I also find it important that I somehow know the person is in fact real – so connecting on Instagram or Snapchat (catfishing is a problem). While I’ve had a relatively smooth (and quite uneventful) journey with online dating, an unfortunate recent experience has left me feeling like I never want to re-download Tinder again.

After a week or so of conversating online, I agreed to meet for dinner with someone. The first mistake I made was putting the needs of a stranger ahead of my own. The day of the dinner (and the days leading up to it), I didn'tÌýwant to goÌýon theÌýdate and felt I’d rather spend the upcoming Saturday night with friends but since a booking was made, I didn’t want to disappoint. Although it’s courtesy not to bail, I often have to remind myself that you don’t owe anything to strangers – it’s okay to cancel plans. Dating can be overwhelming especially when you have no idea how the person will be like in real life. You may be in a certain mindset when agreeing to go on the date but a week can pass and you don’t feel ready, or you don’t want to invest your time with a stranger.

In hindsight, I really wish I listened to my intuition and communicated that I didn’t want to attend the date anymore - after all, I had double booked plans that night and wanted to see my friends. However, I didn’t want to disrespect his time and efforts so I went on a dinner date. Although the dinner was nice and the conversation engaging,Ìýit was clear to me that I wasn’t vibing but I appreciated his nice demeanour. I would like to emphasise that this guy was polite and nice (there were no creepy alarm bells ringing). It reached a point where he was so nice that I felt guilty revealing to him that I had double booked plans and intended to see my friends after who were nearby (on the same street).

The realm of dating is complex and subjective – in my mind, agreeing to meet someone for dinner is… meeting someone for dinner. However, to someone else, agreeing to meet someone for dinner can also mean dessert too, or a drink or a drive. As we stood outside the restaurant, I thanked him and expressed that my friends were nearby. Instead of saying goodbye, he suggested a table tennis match nearby at uni – me feeling bad for planning to see my friends straight after, I agreed. He had forgotten his ID, so that wasn’t possible. He suggested a drive around to continue the conversations we were having (I would like to add he was very talkative).

Given that he knew I had plans after and my friends were just about finished their dinner, I assumed this drive was around the CBD – 10 minutes max to wrap up the conversations we had at dinner.Ìý While you’re reading this you may be thinking – why.would.you.agree.to.go.on.a.drive! Without getting into too much detail, I felt comfortable enough to agree to this but he also made me feel guilty that I planned to see my friends after the dinner (I would like to emphasise once again, that you don’t owe strangers anything).

Before delving into further details of my experience (continue reading in Part 2), a key takeaway from this date was the importance of communication. I wished I communicated that I no longer wanted to go on the date, that I didn’t want to continue seeing him after the dinner and I wish I hadn’t agreed to go on the drive. The way I rationalised the decisions I made comes from my tendency to avoid upsetting people and uncomfortable situations… which ironically left me in an uncomfortable situation. What is distressing to hearÌýwhen recounting this story to my friends, is that a lot of them have the same tendency to go along with things that are uncomfortable to avoid conflict. You believe that if you’re nice, the sooner you’ll be able to leave without either party feeling upset.

My advice is to always prioritise your own feelings and emotions.Ìý It’s also important to understand the social and political context of why a lot of women react this way - which impacts your ability to say no, especially in situations whereÌýyou should say no. I’m appreciative of the support my friends have provided to validate my emotions and provide their thoughts and advice. It’s important to make time to address and reflect on an uncomfortable situation, as this can prevent unwarranted emotions surfacing later. Always communicate, and don’t be afraid to cancel a date. Seek support from those close to you too - talking to my friends about my experience has been so beneficial in moving forward.Ìý

Current UofA students can also seek support from Student Life Counselling Support which provides free, confidential support here on campus if you feel affected in any way.