My mid-semester paper doesn鈥檛 exist in front of the fire
I think one of my greatest refuge places is to sit in front of a fire. I grew up in the Adelaide Hills where fireplaces and bonfires were really common, so there鈥檚 a sentimental aspect to it. Watching the flickering flames and hearing the crackling of the wood is just a really tranquil place for me. It鈥檚 a place where day to day troubles don鈥檛 exist, it鈥檚 just me and the fire I鈥檓 watching.
I believe it鈥檚 really important to mental health to have these 鈥渇ireplace moments鈥, where there is a break from the grind of work. Maybe that means sitting down with a cup of tea, playing a sport, video games, parties, movies. Wherever there is a pause on the burden of obligation, expectation and the risk of failure. Whatever place you can relax because there is nothing riding on your performance.
Thinking about these moments for me, I鈥檝e realised a big problem. Lately I鈥檝e been having too many fireplace moments, and I鈥檝e been having a lot of trouble pulling myself out of them. I just never want these moments of peace to end. I don鈥檛 want to return to the obligations I am falling further and further behind in. If I don鈥檛 end the fireplace moments, then I don鈥檛 have to spend as much time failing to meet basic requirements.
I caught myself watching a video explaining the evolution of armour in medieval Europe. It struck me that this hour long video was essentially a lecture, so why wasn鈥檛 I watching an actual lecture? I think the reason is that the context of the video for me was that it was a way to relax, there was nothing riding on it. I wasn鈥檛 weighing myself down with expectations about how well I should understand all of the concepts, so what was essentially the same task felt like relaxation.
I鈥檓 usually doing something like this to relax just before I go to sleep, and I never want that to end. So I prolong it and don鈥檛 go to sleep, because the longer I spend in that moment, the more time I have before I have to do something stressful. When I wake up, lying in bed is a fireplace moment; and I don鈥檛 want that to end either. I just lie there because if I don鈥檛 get up, then I have more time before I have to deal with life.
This is essentially a very long winded explanation of procrastination, but framing it this way has been a bit of a revelation for me on why I personally procrastinate. I鈥檓 hoping this will help me to find a way to pull myself out of these moments when I need to. To borrow some words from聽Sascha, I know these moments deserve my time (just not all the time).