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It was the end of a long week, the first full week of being back to full-time PhD study and working part-time. In addition to babbling ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma, pulling herself up to stand on her own, my seven-month-old daughter also got her first tooth. The teething phase that came before the tooth finally erupted wasn’t as painful as I had expected it to be, but all the developmental changes meant that my little one was waking quite a bit during the night. That of course meant a rather sleepless week for me. Still, the excitement and joy of witnessing my child’s magnificent progress made it all worth the many hours of rocking her to sleep, in between PhD writing, emails, and all other home and motherly work that I could do while she was asleep. But I digress — what I was wanting to share with you was that night, at the end of the week.

My little girl was soundly and snugly asleep in her cot as I was keeping an eye on her through the baby monitor, while expressing milk. I’ve heard other mums refer to breastmilk as liquid gold but I only really understood why when I became a mother myself. Apart from it’s ability to nourish, it also greatly helps your little one fight infection. Then there’s also the time it takes in feeding and pumping — and so when I accidentally knocked the bottles of freshly pumped breastmilk down the drain as I was unplugging the pump, I nearly cried! It certainly is liquid gold to working mothers! I truly nearly cried, but the second thought that popped in my head was that saying, ‘it’s no use crying over spilled milk’. I took a deep breath, shrugged, and said to myself that that was true, my tears wouldn’t be able to turn back time. I have lost that milk.

The moment passed and I realized that what I was feeling was mostly exhaustion and that I didn’t actually want to cry, I wanted to sleep. The milk wasn’t lost, I’ll just have to make some again. Still, it’s a pity I lost it because I’ll have to wait a bit before I’m able to express again. So, I washed up and sterilized the bottles, as I do at the end of the night. I guess I could’ve pumped again, but I knew there wasn’t much left and that the baby would probably wake in a few hours’ time and so I decided to get some sleep instead of doing any more that night.

I thought it was very timely that the podcast episode for the week featured research psychologist Dr Marc Brackett who is the Founder and Director of the Yale Centre for Emotional Intelligence. In the podcast with Brené Brown, he talks about feelings and emotions. His research, but also his personal experience of abuse allowed me to better reflect on why it’s okay to cry over spilled milk at times. The key was being able to recognize, name, and understand those feelings. Suppressing emotion ultimately doesn’t help, but identifying what I was feeling and making sense of why those emotions are surfacing allows for a braver, although more vulnerable way of dealing with negative feelings. Not all negative feelings are bad, if I’m able to be aware of it and understand it.

Crying isn’t bad, it may have even been helpful during that instance of literal spilled milk in my kitchen sink. If I didn’t realise and acknowledge that I was tired, I may have just pushed myself to do even more that night out of the frustration I felt for losing that milk. I could’ve pumped again, read emails or did some cleaning late at night. Instead, I tried to understand what I was feeling – feeling annoyed that I put in all that time into pumping, only for it to have accidentally be thrown down the drain – and that I was tired. Acknowledging that I wasn’t Superwoman and that I needed some sleep was uncomfortable, it made me feel weak. However, being vulnerable enough to acknowledge that feeling and choosing sleep in the end made me a much better mother and student that week. I got the rest I needed which meant I was able to, not only make more milk and feed my daughter, but have the energy to play with her, as well as the mental resources to conduct the analyses I needed for my PhD study.

Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage. Perhaps embracing vulnerability and overcoming numbing is ultimately about the care and feeding of our spirits.Brené Brown

Note: For more information on self-care, or who to speak to if you need some support, visit the Wellbeing Hub.